Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

Just parrot things

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there