I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
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I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers