I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
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If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?