Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!

Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!

Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

Bread puns are on the rise!

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.