Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

bias laundering edition

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?