I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
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I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Stonehinge
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
welcome back
sometimes i miss this memes
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.