I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
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Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
