Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

The biggest mystery of our time

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

🤫

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral