I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
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[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I love it
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Who wants to be my Valentine?
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more