I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
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STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
R.I.P.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Oh deer
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Seems legit
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
All food is good if you spell it wrong
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords