Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

No one:

London landlords:

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

The most precious boy

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper