I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
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Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
79.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.