I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
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squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Become a minion. Get that bread.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner