My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
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My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida.
I call it “No air conditioning”.
The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.
There should be a YouTube compilation of the expressions on women’s faces when they discover a dress they are trying on also has pockets.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I scaled Everest! And I give nicknames to fish.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.