I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

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spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?


Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.


I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes


“Because Im a goddamned rock star!” wasn’t the answer my boss was looking for as to why I was late to work, lesson learned.


I wonder who ate the first egg. Like who said, “I’m a eat the white ball that chicken just shit out.”


Women say they like a man in uniform but I’ve been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet 🙁


The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.


The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.