@dad_on_my_feet

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

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@TweetPotato314

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

@BigJDubz

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

@WesTheFatKid

“Because Im a goddamned rock star!” wasn’t the answer my boss was looking for as to why I was late to work, lesson learned.

@theoduscrane

I wonder who ate the first egg. Like who said, “I’m a eat the white ball that chicken just shit out.”

@Donnie_Fairburn

Women say they like a man in uniform but I’ve been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet 🙁

@Just_Lee_

The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.

@AndrewNadeau0

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.