Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

Brother?

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

this is what they would have looked like, though

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.