Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

I just want an internship man

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall