I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
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The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
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First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
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friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Name another movie that mislead you?
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if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
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WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
You have been warned.
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Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.