I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
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My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
how to have an accident 101
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
brian had himself a morning…
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.