I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
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What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*