I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
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Just grow your own
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire