I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
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“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Match dot com, but for socks.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
LOOOOOOL
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.