Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

#growingpains

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden