Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

This is what makes twitter great

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.