I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
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[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.