Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy