I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I just want an internship man
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.