Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more