I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
you stereotypes are all alike
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
