I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
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Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.