Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

bad news gang

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team