Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

😂

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility