Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”