Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

Day 2 of my diet

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Good for him.

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.