I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
You Might Also Like
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them