Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*