Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

A Monday every week is excessive

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

When I said I liked it rough.

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”