Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

My purse is deeper than some people.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit