I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
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Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
could’ve been anyone
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
