Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

Shoo shoo! 😂

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

AM I BEING GASLIT????

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]