I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
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[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
This why you should mind your business
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.