I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
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*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.