I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
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Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.