I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
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Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Customer is always right
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You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
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PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent