I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
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If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Can. I. Help. You.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook