I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
This is hilarious
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
