I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
