Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

#CoronaOutbreak

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend