Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

💀🤣

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

AM I BEING GASLIT????

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.