Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

8: When’s dad’s birthday?

Me: June 28

8: 2000 what?

Me: You mean 19…1984

8: 19? WOW

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.