Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.