I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
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HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]