Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

それは草

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology