I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
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Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry