I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
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*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
When news reporters do sports stories
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk