I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
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wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray