I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
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My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.