I’m not saying that I don’t like him…

But I hope he wakes up out of coffee and finds out that his phone updated and all of the apps he uses want him to re-enter his login and password.

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[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet


Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.


SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*


HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched


You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.


Holiday tip. Always buy people gifts that you would like for yourself in case they piss you off before Christmas


My dad called to ask if sending an email to the USA costs more. I told him a LOT more, better not risk it


My reaction to Kit Kat prices: $1 good deal. $1.25 ok. $1.50 whoa. $1.75 what are we at the OPERA?!