@girlontapas

I’m not saying that I don’t like him…

But I hope he wakes up out of coffee and finds out that his phone updated and all of the apps he uses want him to re-enter his login and password.

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@DrakeGatsby

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

@noduffers

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

@KalvinMacleod

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

@rockymomax

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

@NickBossRoss

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

@dumbbeezie

Holiday tip. Always buy people gifts that you would like for yourself in case they piss you off before Christmas

@click4amanda

My dad called to ask if sending an email to the USA costs more. I told him a LOT more, better not risk it

@SeanEmeny

My reaction to Kit Kat prices: $1 good deal. $1.25 ok. $1.50 whoa. $1.75 what are we at the OPERA?!