My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
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I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”