Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear