Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.