Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

#parenting

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

Me: Alexa, play music

Cop: where do you think you are?

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

Wolves should really raise more people.

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity