I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
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Safety first
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
This hospital has everything
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.