I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
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The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
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A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”![]()
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.