I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
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if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Siri, fight Alexa.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
#milo
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.