I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
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At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…