I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
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Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do