I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
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I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
love it when they get my name right
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down