I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
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I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Omg 🤣
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!