I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
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“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*