Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

Fat chances are my favorite chances

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again